Day 70 – ‘I want to be happy, but how?’

I haven’t posted in a while. I realize that. It’s been more than a solid month.

The last time I wrote this post, I was in a very dark place. I had taken extra pills – not deathly or even slightly dangerous, but it messed with my head that I could even take such a step.

I decided to make a change.

Since then I have been traveling. I went to Jaipur in Rajasthan where I attended a Literature Festival and then I went to Goa where I visited relatives and tried to chill.

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I had been getting a lot of advice from people where they told me to ‘concentrate on myself’. I don’t know how to do that. So I’ve been concentrating on things that I like – in particular, reading. I’ve bought a bunch of books from the Literature Festival and have piled them up for me to read.

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I think reading keeps my mind off things – it keeps the voices and the emptiness away.

I haven’t been taking my medication since that night, but I feel that maybe I should go visit my psychiatrist. My sleep is still erratic and but my hunger is back – which I take as a good sign.

I don’t really have much to report – just that I feel less empty and less anxious. But the dark cloud still looms over my head. I just don’t know if it’ll burst again or will it pass me by.

Till next time.

Day 35 – ‘Alienating People & Other Such Things’

I have a lot of friends. I always have. I’ve just been that sort of person – likable, easy to talk to, always coming up with fun stories.

Things have changed lately. I’m not that person anymore. I think that’s why I choose not to meet too many of my friends – I see them searching for me in me. But I’m not me. Sure, they might get a glimpse at times, but I don’t want to keep putting up an act just to make them feel better.

I think I’m going to an extreme though. On New Year’s I was supposed to meet my best friend. She knows about what I’m going through and I don’t have to really put up a pretense with her, but I didn’t feel like going. I didn’t feel like being out for dinner, wearing nice clothes or doing any such thing. I just wanted to sleep. I really just wanted to sleep.

My psychiatrist has prescribed me some sleeping pills and instead of taking one, I took two. I don’t want to kill myself – I don’t have those tendencies, but this scared me. I scared me.

Something needs to change.

Till next time.

Day 20 – “Shit has hit the roof!”

Well now I know I’m in deep. I have this weird thing going on where sometimes I sleep a lot and then sometimes I can’t sleep at all. Sometimes it feels like as if 50 people are screaming in my head and sometimes it feels like there’s nothing in there – just a blank space.

I’m quitting my job. I never liked it anyway – it wasn’t the space that I wanted to be in and it wasn’t the sort of work environment that I could handle. The people started to be poison and I just couldn’t deal with it all anymore. I was going to quit anyway and with all of this going on, there was never going to be a better time. I feel fortunate that I have a house, people who care for me and a decent amount saved up with a tiny source of income. I guess a lot of people don’t quite have the options that I do and I thank the Lord (or whoever) every day for this – specially now.

I’m still working though. I have fevers that creep up on me – some that go up to 104 at times. I got my blood, etc checked – I have a mild viral. The doctor said I shouldn’t be that badly affected though. I probably do aggravate it all in my head. I don’t know how I manage to inflict so much pain onto myself knowing and unknowingly.

I have a confession – there are days that just flow by and because of that I haven’t taken my medication properly. I haven’t even eaten properly. I now order food that I’ve known myself to love in the past, just in the hope that my saliva glands start working and I want to eat again. Not like any of this is helping me lose weight or anything.

I’m rambling now. I don’t even feel like typing. I’m just staring at my screen and in my head I’m like “Oh look, there are new words being formed” with no idea what exactly they mean or what I’m trying to portray.

Is this normal? Should I be scared?

 

Day 10 – “No more, please!”

Today I couldn’t get out of bed. I woke up and I thought my whole world was trembling. I was vibrating to another dimension. I felt nothing and nothing could feel me. I must have laid in bed for hours, just staring at the clothes piled up in front of me, aimlessly going through Twitter and Facebook – glancing through posts that I’ve already read before – feeling nothing.

At lunch, I stared at the potatoes on my plate and suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion. Those potatoes must have thought I was a strange person, just sitting there, crying. I must have cried for twenty minutes straight.

Through the day, I tried working but my mind was a wretched blank. I tried to read and that worked a little but I still shivered and quivered and felt my heart beating out of control.

My friend visited me in the evening and got me a McDonald’s burger. That made me feel okay. We watched dog and baby videos that I don’t even enjoy, but it kept my mind off things. As soon as she was leaving, my heart started beating out of control again. I went for a small walk but felt listless and felt the need to go back home.

I think I’m going to sleep soon. I need to go to office tomorrow. I can’t hide any longer.

Till next time.

Day 1 – “How did this happen?”

It was the year 2004. ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ had just released and I was curious about seeing Kate Winslet in blue hair. I watched the movie and was confused. But then again, I was only 13 years old – where was I to understand the grand scale of life, love and depression? By then I had been privy to a bunch of movies, books and was certain that ‘depression’ was just the by-product of heart break.

Flash forward to the present day. Not showered in days. Can’t stand the idea of food. Can’t read. No interest in anything on TV. I either just sit there – staring out of my window or I sleep. This looks, feels and smells like depression. I finally decide to go to a doctor for help. Yup, the results are in. Drum-rolls please! It’s depression!!

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

See, I’m a pretty ordinary girl. I’m 25. I have a job that I don’t quite like and I don’t know where I’m going with it. I’m single and terrified to mingle. I snapchat my life, Instagram my food, tweet pointless thoughts and notions and post things on Facebook to make it seem like I have a life that’s somewhat put together. However, somewhere down the line I lost myself. I still do those things, mind you. But they just seem different. Can’t explain it.

But that’s why I’m here. I’m new to this feeling and I want to embrace it so that I can feel better. I’m not suicidal or ‘crazy‘ or anything. I’m just a blank slate and I want to re-write it and bring color to my life again.

Yes, I realize it sounds cheesy. 

So if you’re reading this and wondering what this blog is about – it’s about my journey through this thing called ‘depression’. I’m not in too deep (I think) so I’m going to work through it and for some reason I thought writing about it might help. So there – that’s it for now.

Till next time.